You have been a good husband and a loving father all those years taking care of your children's needs before your own, playing baseball in the back yard, and going on those winter camping trips year after year. Somewhere along the line things began to fall apart but where? You and your wife of 12 years, decide to call it quits, because things are just not working out.

You think that the divorce is moving along rather well. You are going with the flow, realizing that your marriage isn't what is was in the beginning, and perhaps even looking ahead to a different time in your life. "Things will get better," you keep telling yourself. The day of the court hearing draws near, and you really don't want anything, other than to remain your children's father, and to be able to parent them as you always have done in the past. You believe that the kids should live in the home they grew up in even if that means that you need to find other living space, hopefully close by. The day finally comes, and you believe that you got a good deal shared parenting possibly some say in the way things go for your kids and that they will love you as Dad, just as they always have done. Young kids need to be in the presence and care of their mother, you tell yourself.

It seems like no time has passed and a new routine has been established you have the kids one night during the week, and every other weekend. You still attend all their games, as well as all the school functions what seems like an endless list of things to do and attend all for the kids.

As time continues to pass, you receive a call from your ex-wife, who tells you that the kids are sick on the day of your visit, and that they should stay inside that day. You think that they probably should stay inside it is cold outside, and is has rained off and on all day probably best to skip the visit today and you let it go. The weekend comes, and you have plans you have a day outing at the ball game planned with hotdogs and the whole works. When you arrive at the house, your ex-wife tells you that the kids just really don't want to go today, and that, after trying to convince them to go, she was unable to do so. You probably ought to just forget it, she tells you. You go inside the house, and talk to the kids, who seem standoffish, which you cannot understand, because they have always been outgoing and have always wanted to participate in anything and everything you have suggested. You agree to "put off" the ball game until another time, even though you have already bought the tickets, and there is no time to find anyone else to go to the game.

The times seem to be getting fewer and farther between that you get to see your kids there just always seems to be something that happens they get sick, they have a friend coming over, they have something going on with your ex-wife's parents - the list goes on and on. You wonder why the kids just don't want to spend time with you anymore. You keep at it, talking and talking to them trying to convince them that you really want to spend time with them on a regular basis!

One day, as you as making your pitch to do something fun with the kids on your weekend, it hits you - one of them blurts out, "We just don't like you anymore, Dad". You wonder how this could have happened "you have done nothing wrong " sure, the marriage didn't work out as you had hoped, but in terms of actually doing something bad…no way, you think. You continue to talk and you begin hearing things like, "You left us," "You don't like us because you left us," "It was YOUR fault that the divorce happened" "You probably never loved us to begin with". In your mind, you think that you are hearing someone else's words here, other than the kids. How could they come up with all this? you wonder. You ask the kids where this is coming from "Is someone telling you these things?," you ask. These kids are really mad at me, you think - what could have happened to cause this? It just doesn't seem to get any better as the weeks pass, their anger at you increases without any good reason. You continue to ask them who planted these ideas is their heads, and they insist that the ideas are their own. They don't even seem to feel bad about what they are saying, you think to yourself.

How can this be, since we have always had a very good relationship with each other all through their lives! You begin to think that they may be beginning to actually hate you and your family, and friends too and it seems as if it is just because they hate you!

You are absolutely correct in your thinking - this situation will get worse and worse without some sort of intervention. The phenomenon described above is called Parental Alienation Syndrome, and is more common than one might think in divorce situations. Bone & Evans (2006) point out that there are 8 primary manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome, including:

1. A steady campaign of denigration

2. Weak, frivolous, and absurd rationalizations for the depreciation

3. Lack of ambivalence

4. "Independent thinker"phenomenon

5. Reflexive support of the alienating parent

6. Absence of guilt

7. Presence of borrowed scenarios

8. Spread of animosity to the extended family [and friends] of the target

According to Gardner (2001), Parental Alienation Syndrome is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. When true parental abuse and/or neglect is present the child's animosity may be justified, and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child's hostility is not applicable

[www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/gard99b.htm].

While important to diagnose properly, and difficult to treat effectively, you must address the symptoms of Parental Alienation Syndrome early! Here are some suggestions to help you continue to work with your children in the face of Parental Alienation Syndrome:

1. Find a therapist who understands the dynamics of Parental Alienation Syndrome and is competent at working with all persons involved - the alienated parent, the alienator, and the children involved. It may also be helpful for the therapist to be skilled at working with attorneys, and the children's guardian appointed by the court as well. Don't forget, attorneys and guardians do not always understand the dynamics of Parental Alienation Syndrome either - they will need help and guidance in their journey as well. Failure to provide information and assistance could cause you to lose the case! [For articles, court cases, and a list of therapists, search www.treehousesolutions.org]

2. Make sure you have a psychologist conducting the custody evaluation who understands the dynamics of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and is capable of diagnosing it, while making appropriate recommendations for treatment and custody based on the findings of the custody evaluation.

3. As a father, continue - you heard me - continue to visit the kids regularly; Don't miss one single occasion - birthdays, holidays, important milestones in their school or extracurricular life. Attend all of them, and make sure they know you are there every time! [Even though you may feel like an outsider - KEEP GOING!]

4. As you hear scenarios or statements that are absolutely not true about you, your family, and your friends, correct the incorrect information. Now, I said correct, and correct ONLY! What you cannot do is begin a pattern of reverse alienation. Simply give the child the facts -- telling him/her what is true allowing him/her to make his/her own judgment based on the true facts. This will take time - there will need to be lots of correction of incorrect facts! Fathers find that this works - kids are very smart, and do figure out that facts speak for themselves.

5. NEVER, NEVER say anything negative about your ex-spouse in front of the kids! This means that, however much you have been hurt, or how bad you feel about all the things said about you, DO NOT refer to your ex-spouse as a bad person, or someone who has done bad things. Remember "NO MATTER WHAT" YOU are the child's father, and your ex-spouse is the child's mother - This will never change, no matter how much anyone tries to change it! This is also a difficult thing to do - I strongly suggest that you work closely with your therapist as well - someone to whom you can vent your frustrations - in a safe place without the kids possibly hearing that you are saying bad things about your ex-spouse. I cannot say enough how vital this is - not to mention how difficult.